Monthly Archives: May 2010

ASHAMED? NO! USED!

I do not know how to make amends to my readers of this blog.

If one were to read my Twitter page one would know that I pretty much do not want to intrude on anyone’s anything.

I like having followers and I understand what marketing is to me that is finding people who want to buy things.

I have nothing to sell, yet.

I have no real world freinds, know quite a few and have met many peolple in person that I saw online.

I also met in person folks that are recluse and should stay that way.

I cannot show people who I am inside but feel I am judged in many different ways from my outside apperence.

When I go down to the part of the beach where my mothers ashes were spread to meditate and breathe in the fresh ocean air I see people of all walks of life walking for their health.

I’m one of those folks not affraid to look others in the eye and know enough after some bad experiences not to look too long and will nod or verbalky say hi.

What is odd is that Nine out of Ten are too wrapped in fear or whatever to bother to nod or say high.

Are those the folks that would walk by if I were on the ground bleeding?

What has this got to do with the title of this post?

Do you think these people would say nothing if I were paying their rent?

I am ashamed at my behavior toward my sister at the end of my mother’s days not being good at being the oldest brother in my heart.

My values are different from both my younger siblings as I know it’s not all about money and status because without either, who are we?

My mother abandoned us as her children when we moved out of our home.

She helped  my family when there was nowhere else to go but it was for a price.

My mothers new family her true new family was …I cannot tell you because it is supposed to be Anonymous.

With my mother I felt no shame and was not used so where am I going to get back to the title and why?

It was the founder of NAMS that makes me ashamed?

Ashamed of what?

Of my self for not taking an action on my own!

NAMS just made me feel used, like a John.

Someone to pay the rent for the event, to get some swag, even brining some of my own to throw into the pot.

I’m standing there talking to the head of security of this famous hotel and the guy running the event walks by without any questions?

Obviously I am releasing anger and I am over everything, by getting ready to start over.

I would have left some links to the dinks but no advertising is what they deserve.

I hope to better serve you all in the future blog post.

Thanks for letting me vent.


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Mental Vs. Physical

I doubt I have clinical depression but believe me I do get depressed.

This past Mother’s Day was a tearing of events as far as my commitment to my mother’s wish to have her ashes distributed into the surf of Revere Beach and having my daughter’s boyfriend letting me know how they felt I was an asshole, all of which was fed from and related to alcohol.

Today is Wednesday and it was not a terrible physical journey to get to this keyboard as much as it was a mental hurdle.

Most of my getting here is mental.

I think about how hard it is to get here and as you can see almost never arrive.

When my mother couldn’t get somewhere it was because her oxygen level was low.

When I have a tough day it is because they did not put a scheduled movie on Comcast then they tell me it will take 48 hours to put it there but if I spoke Spanish I could see it now, I have it at my command for 2 days but my Spanish sucks for this mistake of not seeing beyond the title.

The last time I was on here they took my mother into the hospital as I tried to make my first dollar online in a contest they had at NAMS3.

I was in Atlanta helping to pay the rent for NAMS 3 after driving 1100 miles.

I had a nights rest but had a sucky attitude for this event.

Then on Saturday after a day of listening to stuff I already knew I learned my mother went into the hospital and looking down from the phone noticed my ipod was stolen.

My stolen ipod took my mind off of my mother’s visit to the hospital.¬† She was just there at Thanksgiving and was leg pressing 225 Lbs. just 2 weeks prior to this phone call.

Not knowing how serious her visit was at this time I rested a day before heading to the hospital after my long drive.

When I saw my mother I knew the end of her road was in sight.

I stayed by her side for 14 days.

More days than I visited her in the past Five years.

She was gone on February 17, 2010.